Are You an Explainer or a Venter? The Difference Matters!

Is your communication style that of an explainer or a venter?

An explainer believes in the power of logic and rational (often detailed) explanations.

A venter believes in the power of emotional truth and expression (often loudly).

Both are perfectly legitimate communication styles, but often at cross-purposes.

As Mark Goulston explains:

         “Why do people who consider themselves good communicators often fail to actually hear each other? Often itʼs due to a mismatch of styles: To someone who prefers to vent, someone who prefers to explain seems patronizing; explainers experience venters as volatile.

This is why so many of us see our conversational counterparts as lecturing, belaboring, talking down to us, or even shaming us (if we are venters and they are explainers) or as invasive, out of control, and overly emotional (if weʼre an explainer and theyʼre a venter).”

What to do?

Become aware of your primary communication style, and suss out your Bad Boss’s (or co-worker’s or colleague’s) primary style.

Then--whether you are an explainer or a venter--exercise tolerance. Allow a venter to get whatever off their chest, and let it flow right off you like water off a duck’s back. Allow an explainer to go through whatever lengthy exposition they deem necessary.

In both cases, listen respectfully! Reflect back what you heard (checking in), and proceed from there.

Simply understanding each other’s communication preferences can go a long way towards making a Bad Boss situation, for example, a merely annoying Boss situation.

Counter your Incompetent Boss's Irrationality with Your Sanity

A Bad Boss can push your buttons like nobody else. Especially if you’re laboring under the tyranny of an Incompetent Boss, you may find yourself sputtering “But we already tried that” or “But that isn’t our department’s business” or “But that’s irrational!” none of which will get you anywhere. Except maybe in hotter water than you’re already in with said Boss.

An Incompetent Boss is just that--incompetent. Expecting anything sane to come out of his or her mouth is, simply put, delusional.

Instead, try to get something somewhat reasonable out of your Bad Boss by being what Mark Goulston calls a "plusser."

According to Goulston, "A plusser is someone who listens to what the other person says and then builds on it. One way of plussing is to use the phrase, 'Say more about ______.' Think of the words they [your Boss] used that had the most emphasis [or that you thought were the most sane] and invite them to say more about that topic.  You will buy yourself time to think and calm down . . ."

Most importantly, you can reframe what your Boss said, in a new context that has some rationality to it, or some workability to it.

My preference, BTW, is rather than use Goulston’s "Say more about ______" is to say something like "Wow, that sounds really interesting.  Would you tell me more about ________, please."